(Editor’s note (Editor being me): As per my usual nitwittery, I drove all the way across LA in rush hour traffic, only to find that the physical I have been dreading was actually scheduled for TODAY. So, I now have to drive all the way back across LA for the stupid appointment, so I’m still mad at y’all. But I still love you.)
When my son was 7, he got Rocky.
Rocky was cute, but a total spaz. He needed Xanax just to be in the house if the television was on. Running with him generally involved being yanked unexpectedly into a bush because a lizard had crossed our path.
When I started to run a lot of miles, Hubz insisted I get a “real” running dog. He did a ton (like 45 minutes) of research and concluded I had to have a Rhodesian Ridgeback. Supposedly, these dogs are the perfect running companions – able to run for miles in the heat, brave and very protective. Perfect.
So, we got Charlie, the Running Wonderdog.
Only problem: Charlie doesn’t like to run. At all.
In fact, Charlie pretty much only likes to chase his shadow on the patio, smell Rocky’s butt, and sit at the bottom of the stairs and bark because he is afraid to climb up them.
I had to quit taking Charlie on runs because, on several occasions, I had to call Hubz to come pick us up because Charlie was lying in the middle of the road refusing to budge. And he weighs 80 pounds. And it wasn’t because I ran him too hard, he just likes to take roadside siestas at mile 2.
But I think I finally found the perfect solution.
A running parrot.
Think about it. You don’t have to mess with a leash. Or carry around a bag of poop for 5 miles, looking for a trash can. When your running buddies become boring, your parrot can talk to you. And most importantly, you can teach it to cuss like a sailor just for fun (Did you just throw your GU packet down on the trail, you Rat Ba*#%!d?! Pick it up!). Now, how cool would that be? Seriously, a parrot is the perfect running companion.
Now, when my huge bestseller, “Born to Run With a Parrot,” comes out, I want you to remember you saw it here.