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Better Running Through Chemistry (Or: Don’t Read E-Mails That Call You Fat)

by Carilyn on October 31, 2012

E-mail I received yesterday:

Dear Ms. Johnson:

We have followed your blog for quite awhile now, and while we enjoy it immensely, we have noticed you do spend quite a bit of time expressing your unhappiness with various parts of you body. While you appear to be an athlete, we feel like we are just the source to help you take your fitness, and your physique, to a whole new level.

Our product, *********, is a safe and effective way to help you lose that stubborn belly fat you seem concerned with, while enhancing your performance with energy increasing ingredients. ********** is an all- natural herbal supplement designed by experts who know exactly what a female athlete would need to help her body achieve its optimal shape and performance.

We would love to send you a free sample so you can see for yourself just how fantastic ********* actually is. Let us know where we can send it, and we will ship it to you immediately.

To a healthy and fit future!


And my response:

Dear Trying-To-Get-Me-Banned-For-Life Pharmaceutical Company:

Thank you for your interest in my physique, but I have seen “Valley of the Dolls,” and really try not to ingest anything to make me thinner, prettier, happier or richer. I rely on surgery for that. And since you so kindly stated that I “appear” to be an athlete, I, for now, will stick with Plan B to help my body “achieve its optimal shape and performance”: training, eating well, rest and recovery. I’ve heard it works.

Carilyn Johnson
(who thinks it’s funny to write about cellulite and bloating)

Happy Running!


{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Char October 31, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Ha ha! You tell ’em. And anyway – when you get that boob job that’s going to stop you chafing, your stubborn belly fat will look proportionally smaller. It worked for me when I was breast feeding and was surprisingly and alarmingly well-endowed (it was just a pity that my jeans actually wouldn’t do up). Go eat a cupcake!

Carilyn October 31, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Those were the good old days, huh Char?! 🙂

Marcia October 31, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Waaaahahahaha! My belly fat is jiggling with glee!

Carilyn November 1, 2012 at 8:19 am

Hubz was not so amused. Thinks I’m going to get in trouble some day 🙂

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