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I Never Promised You a Rose Garden or that I Wouldn’t Taper

by Carilyn on May 10, 2017

You would think that when you are tapering your appetite would diminish, right? Nope. At least not for me. The less I run, the more I want Doritos. And Hershey’s Kisses. And an Avila’s chile con queso burrito (asadero cheese, green chile, wrapped in a warm flour tortilla. With a side of rice and beans, of course. And a bowl of chips and salsa. Oh, and don’t forget the Coke.). I can’t imagine why I always put on a few (or more) pounds when I taper. So unfair!

At breakfast this morning, I had to drag myself away from the cookies on the counter. Not that I’m against cookies for breakfast, but I could see my tummy hanging over my running tights when I leaned into grab one. I ate Ezekiel toast, instead. And then I ate the cookie.

And that’s the point. When we are tapering we are insane. Would you deny a crazy person a cookie? No, of course you wouldn’t! You would throw cookies at a crazy person just to make sure she wouldn’t start stabbing you with the tweezers she’s using to pluck her chin hair (hypothetically speaking). You would encourage the crazy person to eat whatever she wanted so you wouldn’t get stabbed.

Tim didn’t agree with me at first. He gave me some speech about willpower and how all the extra carbs were probably making me feel crazier. I brandished my tweezers at him and said something about a splenectomy. He threw me the half-eaten loaf of bread that was between us on the counter and ran.

I thought so.

I’ve read a lot of scientific articles about tapering – the drop in dopamine, the lowering of serotonin levels, blah blah blah. Scientific community: WE DON’T CARE. You are basically like that stupid guy who tells his wife/girlfriend that she’s just emotional because she must be getting ready to start her period. You are a moron.

Give us cake. Now.

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