After seeing several of my team members debut their Hokas at Worlds and Desert Solstice, I decided to jump on the Hoka bandwagon and order myself a pair. Now, my apologies to Hoka One One, but these are the ugliest shoes on the planet. Really. But, while I haven’t had a chance to truly test them yet, I can already see some benefits:
1. They are so weird looking that nobody will be staring at my cellulite anymore.
2. They make me 2 inches taller, sort of like running in Tom Cruise’s lifts. I can now also be taller than Katie Holmes.
3. Since I always spend the last few hours of a 24 Hour race dreaming of my bed, I can console myself by running on little mattresses.
4. I can quit trying to convince my kids that runners are cool – these shoes remove all hope.
5. Since I already fall down at least once on every run for no apparent reason, I can now blame it on my Hokas and people will believe me.
6. If I don’t get selected for the US Team again, I can quit logging all those miles running and switch to walking in these very expensive Skechers wannabes (really, that’s what they look like, right?).
7. With so much fluff on the bottom of these shoes, I will no longer leave incriminating marks on Hubz’s shins when I kick him.
8. I can now noiselessly creep up on my competition in these “cloud” shoes (that is, if I can ever learn to quit huffing and puffing like a deranged dragon).
9. I have finally satisfied my childhood fantasy of owning a baby blue and hot pink Trans Am. These shoes are just as classy.
10. I no longer have to delude myself into believing I can be some sort of badass, as these shoes are the runner’s equivalent of Mom Jeans.